The No Kool Aid Zone

The Living Will of Byron D. Harvey

Posted by Byron April 10, 2005 at 3:14 pm
Filed Under Matters of Life and Death | 1 Comment |

I, Byron D. Harvey, being of semi-sound mind and Adonis-like body, do hereby declare, for the entire Internet to read, my intentions relative to my treatment in the event I should become incapacitated.

Legalese:
In the event that I become incapable of making informed medical decisions upon my own, I shall entrust to my immediate family the authority to make such decisions. In the event I am found to be living in a “persistent vegetative state”, or in the event that I remain for a period of time in a comatose state and am suffering from a disease declared to be terminal by competent medical counsel, I relieve my family of any burden of conscience regarding the need to continue measures that they deem “heroic” in order to preserve my life, including, but not limited to, breathing assistance and the like. Feeding and hydration are in no way, shape, or form to be considered “heroic” measures. I hereby direct that nutrition shall never, under any circumstances whatever, be removed from me for such a period of time as to contribute to death by starvation. I direct that hydration shall never be removed from me for any length of time. To do either of these unconscionable acts of barbarism constitute murder. I’m not a dog; I’m a human being, created in the image of Almighty God. If I were a dog in contemporary America, I wouldn’t have to write this, because we treat dogs more humanely than we did Terri Schiavo.

Specifics:
1. In the event that I am declared to be in a persistent vegetative state, then I won’t know the difference, right? So keep your paws to yourself, and do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me.

2. In the event that I am reduced to an infantile state of mind by some dementia, and begin to call the head nurse “Mama Rosie”, do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me.

3. In the event that I am so delirious as to vote “Democrat”, do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me. Tear up my voting registration card, but do not withhold food and water. Do not shoot me either, though I’d be sympathetic to it being declared “justifiable homicide”.

4. In the event that others deem my “quality of life” to be “not worth living”, I’d advise those others to attend to their own qualities of life, and leave mine alone, thank you. So regardless of your precious opinion about my “quality of life”, do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me.

5. In the event that I wince with pain at every breath, morphine me into NanaLand, if that’s appropriate, but do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me.

6. In the event that the Virginia Cavaliers win a national championship in basketball or football during the period of time in which I am so incapacitated, it might be true that at that moment, I could “die happy”. But do not even in that circumstance hasten my death by the removal of food and water from me.

7. In the event that any negative circumstance that I have not anticipated in this document were to take place, please take whatever action short of starving me to death seems appropriate. But do not under any circumstances remove food and water from me.

In the event that this is not clear enough for some pointy-headed judicial activist pansy of a judge, I’m talking to you, Mister JudgeMan. Go back and read your Constitution, and leave me alone. Capiche? Further, by my directive, I hereby declare that any officer of the court who deigns to act against these expressed wishes of mine, shall be sued posthaste by my estate, spending the last dime I have to ensure that this coward will be brought to justice. Don’t mess with me.

That should do it.